


More than jazz?

by teddybagwell



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Self-Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 09:06:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18635083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddybagwell/pseuds/teddybagwell
Summary: Howard discovers Vince's deepest, darkest secret.





	More than jazz?

**Author's Note:**

> TW// Please don't read this if the description or talk of self-harm is likely to trigger you!! My intentions weren't to romanticise or glorify self-harm or alienate anyone. Again, details in this fic come from personal experience but don't define or shape all experiences with self-harm/mental illness; you are still valid and deserve help and recovery no matter your experience. I hope you all enjoy<3
> 
> p.s. wrote this because I'm a mess and have fallen into a bad mental health episode and I can't seem to climb out, but this helped me cope for a while. I haven't had the motivation to write hardcore smut lately because I've been busy wanting to die but I've outlined a multi-chapter Howince fic that's literally filled with smut so if that's what you're into over the more angsty stuff, it's on the way! and I'm rambling so I'm just gonna stop now okay enjoy!! <3

All it took was one movement, one reach to the coffee table for his cup of tea and there they were for him to see; ugly red intrusions across soft, pale skin. Howard swallowed hard. 

'Vince.'

'Yeah?' Vince replied, crossing his legs, the hot cup sat in his lap. If he held it for too long it sent a sharp sensation through his fingertips but he thought it felt quite soothing until it faded and then it just fucking stung. 

'Why didn't you tell me?' Howard asked, forcing himself to look into those big blue eyes. If he couldn’t be confident now, he had no hope for himself.

'Tell y'what?' Vince frowned, glancing over at the taller man, seeing the look of concern in his eyes. ‘Oh, did I ever tell you about Gary Numan-‘

'You told me you were okay, why did you lie to me?' Howard pleaded, his eyebrows furrowing, setting a panic deep inside Vince's stomach.

'What-'

'Your arm, Vince.' 

Instantly, Vince’s eyes fell to the cup in his hand, his finger tracing the edge. His biggest fear had just come crashing down on top of him, ready to swallow him whole if he didn’t manage to claw himself out to freedom. 

'It's nothin’ Howard, just leave it,' he muttered, his tongue darting to his cheek.

‘It is very clearly something,’ Howard stated, moving closer, wanting to touch him but afraid he’d retreat. 'How long have you been doing it?'

‘I’m fine, awright? ...Now, Gary Numan-‘ 

‘You’re not fine, Vince!’ Howard exasperated before taking a deep breath; he could feel himself getting flustered, the image etched into his brain shouting at him. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but please.’

Vince bit the inside of his cheek, at loss for words. It broke his heart to see the look in Howard’s eyes; sadness, distress, worry. Vince didn’t think Howard should ever feel any of those things. Ever. 

On the other hand, he felt exposed, like his entire being was exhibited for the world to see. He didn’t think it fair that Howard got to decide that now was the right time to have the conversation.

‘What d’y’want me to say? That I’m broken and need fixin’, that I slit my wrists ‘cause I’m so fuckin’ misunderstood?’ Vince questioned, having the sudden confidence to look the other man in the eyes. 

‘If that’s what’s going on then, yes. I want you to be honest with me, I want you to be able to tell me if you’re struggling. I’m your boyfriend, Vince,’ Howard said, sincerity poured into every word. 

'Just 'cause your bummin' me doesn't mean I 'ave to tell you everythin',' Vince remarked.

'How long have we known each other, Vince? I thought by now you'd feel you're able to talk to me.'

Howard knew Vince had his issues despite the confidence and the ego he put out there, but the idea of Vince purposely hurting himself was never something he'd imagined, and it pained him more than he could imagine.

‘I'm okay, it's just a bit of release,’ Vince shrugged. ‘When things get a bit much…’ he trailed off and imitated swiping a blade across his wrist.

‘People who are okay don’t purposely hurt themselves, little man,’ Howard said, setting a hand on the man’s thigh and thankful when he didn’t feel him flinch or move away. ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’ he added when Vince showed no signs in contributing.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I love you too, and I’m sorry for bein’ so difficult.’ 

Vince fell into Howard, who happily wrapped his arms around the smaller man. ‘You’re not difficult, maybe in the morning when you want help straightening your hair, but this? This is okay.’

Vince basked in the feeling of Howard’s warmth against his back mixed with his soft circular motions on his hip. Vince adored when Howard allowed him so close and intimate, he always took advantage and snuggled as close as humanly possible.

‘Are you ready to talk about it or do you want to leave it?’ Howard asked, his lips so close to Vince’s ear it sent shivers down his spine. 

‘It gets a bit much sometimes, y’know?’ Vince sighed eventually, picking at the black nail polish coating his nails. Howard nodded, whether Vince was aware, he wasn't sure. ‘It just feels… good. I feel m’body relax when I do it, and I-I like seein’ the blood.’ 

As much as it pained Howard, he knew he needed to hear it, and he knew Vince needed someone to listen, and Howard was going to listen even if it killed him. 

‘First time I did it I wasn’t really thinkin’, can’t even remember what I was upset about, but I thought I could just do it that one time an’ that’d be it but I can’t resist it lately,’ Vince admitted. ‘Like I go a few days an’ I start to miss it.’

Howard pulled him impossibly close, pressing a kiss behind his ear. ‘Your body doesn’t deserve that, little man. You don’t deserve that. You deserve so much love, more love than I could ever give you. The love you feel for your hair straighteners, that’s how much you deserve to give yourself.’

‘And how much do you love me?’ Vince asked, grinning; loving the attention. ‘More than jazz?’

‘More than jazz, more than tweed blazers, more than anything in the world,’ Howard said, lacing his fingers with Vince’s and stroking his soft skin. 'Whenever you feel that temptation, tell me, okay? I can think of many ways to keep you distracted.' 

Vince bit down on his bottom lip, a grin poking through. 'Like what?'

'You'll just have to wait and see, but I can tell you it'll be quite enjoyable for you, hurting yourself will be the last thing on your mind once I'm done with you,' Howard rasped, purposefully breathing heavy against Vince's neck, loving the way his body tensed. 'I love you.'

'Love you too,' Vince uttered, wanting to lay with Howard for the rest of his life. 'Can I tell you about Gary Numan now?'


End file.
